closure

I've decided that this isn't going to work for me anymore; it's just too hard to share moments that I've had with patients or with colleagues because all the things I really want to say cannot be said here, not only because I am so restricted by privacy acts, but also because of the cottage industry that is my profession.

The other matter is one more self-imposed rather than anything - the fact that I've taken on board so much more this year leaves me very, very little time to sit down to write.

And considering also, that in my yesteryears this place was so much more pivotal when I was still wandering in love, life and study... the truth is that I don't really need this avenue as much anymore.

Still, I love writing, photography, food and design. But I can't commit now. Maybe another space, another genre, another life?

This will be the end of the Original & Unplugged series. Four years, 450 posts.

One month trial

At various points of last year, I was very interested in knowing how I would cope if I didn't blog, and whether I would have the same quality of life. I know that blogs are these somewhat vague spaces people use to ditch their mental baggage, and sometimes the baggage comes back, but at first when you get rid of it there's always this initial sense of calm, and then later the sense of whether there was too much self exposure.

Blogging is like a yodeling in a vast mountain range. It's incredibly liberating but it's sometimes too hard to be anonymous, and you never really know who's listening on the other side.

Having left this space inactive for one month leaves me in a strange place. It was quite to hard to let go at first, and then slowly but surely it felt easier to forget that blogging should be in fact a pastime rather than an obsession by any stretch of the imagination. Then I felt really free. But I also realised that my mental capacity to process ideas had deteriorated, and increasingly I would find it harder to comment on matters beyond work or close to home.

And now I feel like a bottle of carbonated drink that been given a good shake and I really really need to open up.

Or more like an old lady who got kidnapped and tortured by people who injected carbonated drink into her bladder, given her a good shake up and then left her out in the cold so her bladder would shrink.

Highlights and lowlights include:

April Fool's Day

• One of our senior physios put a sign on each of our department doors which said, "Use other door" and damn, we all got punked!

• Another junior physio and I decided to play a trick on our immediate senior (still junior in the department) where I wore an arm sling pretending that I dislocated my shoulder the night before at basketball, and the best part was that he complained about the poor fitting of it and went on to redo the whole for me! What a cracker!

Official Work

• I survived supervising students! I'd never actually thought that I was good enough to teach them, and there are times I still feel very out of my depth because they are quite late into their course. The other day I ran a tute all by myself, which wasn't supposed to happen but everyone else was busy bar myself (which happens a lot actually... haha!). The truth is I love teaching and helping others help themselves get better. And I think it makes me a better clinician too.

• Everyone at work is getting hitched and/or pregnant! Gosh I suppose it must be the thermoneutral environment of the hospital that's good for incubation.

• There are things I like about work and there are things I really dislike about it. I now realise that the first year is a really important year to cement yourself in a strongly supportive environment, and let's just say, I've yet to find it. (see paragraph 2)

Unofficial Work

• Initially: I've joined another football club this year as team sports physio, but work under the mentorship of an affiliate private practice. The annoying part of it is ironically the best part of it also - keeping medical records and injury reports. Who else spends an additional half hour unpaid each training or game night to type out injury reports and circulating them?!

• Now: My enthusiasm has waned a little and I sometimes almost can't be bothered going all textbook basics on these players to cover all bases because the dilemma is both my own and my mentor's expectations being unrealised by the sheer old age - sometimes laziness - of these footy boys in performing their rehab adequately to encouraging results.
  

lost art of deprivation

This week was absolute chaos. Another job, more hours and adjustment to warm weather once more. In fact, I was so confused this week that I thought summer was coming and hence was going to buy a friend a beach towel for the coming 'summer'.

Meanwhile at work I took the opportunity to get a free flu vaccine, which ironically made me fluish and itchy in the throat this week. It probably didn't help that I had about 4 spring rolls the night before.

I lost much of my appetite. I ate less, and slept less and the more work through at me the more I readily absorbed it, still eager in the early phase of my employment, which still feels somewhat foreign to me.

My second job is being a sports physio for another amateur football team, in a league far lower than what I was previously doing, but the responsibilities I have are much higher. I now have to be accountable for everything I assess and treat, and relay everything to my boss at the private practice. While the money is pretty good, I do it because I get more job satisfaction than my current day job.

I've been thinking a lot about my plans lately. Like what I want to achieve this year for myself and for family, relationships etc. I realise it takes courage to work through some of the issues I face, and actually do something about it. It's all too easy to just let it slide and fudge it over with some excuse, and sweep it under the c'est la vie carpet.

I had one of those Vicky Cristina Barcelona moments today (not the polyamorous ones - I wish) when I decided to put all distractions aside and stare blankly into the spaces that exist only because it hasn't been invaded by every other aspect of society. I refused and fought against the clanging noises of a crowded tram, the loudness and emptiness of the dialogues, and even though I had my mp3 player with me, I think I just needed to completely unplug myself for just a little while.

The idea of complete mental deprivation was something I was quite familiar with when I was younger, but now I am much more cognizant of my surroundings and thoughts and various perceptions that over time, I find it much, much harder to reconcile.